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- If a small child is
choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water
down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
- Arsenal fans. Save
money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to
your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting
yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
while you chop away.
- Keep the seat next to
you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk
up the aisle.
- Weight watchers. Avoid
that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard
or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat
bastards.
- Save on booze by
drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can
create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing
up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- Make bath times as much
fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand,
a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
- Recreate the fun of a
visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath
with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.
- Girls. Too old to go on
an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your
garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
- Don't buy expensive
'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen
peas inside it before you put it on.
- X-Files fans. Create
the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of
vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
- Don't waste money
buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish
to view.
- Save time when crossing
a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
- Thicken up runny
low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
- Anorexics. When your
knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
- A next door neighbour's
car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an
emergency.
- Hijackers. Avoid a long
stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply
making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first
place.
- An empty aluminium
cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
- Olympic athletes.
Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit
slower.
- Chelsea football club
fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating
furiously with your left arm too.
- Avoid arguments with
the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
- Weedy fellas. Develop a
right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy
Crawford workout videos.
- Smokers. Save on
matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of
your last one.
- Vegetarians coming to
dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're
always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
- Invited by vegetarians
for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their
special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice
steak.
- Spice up your sex life
by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and,
holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how
long you can 'stay mounted' for.
- Before attempting to
remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in
permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it
has gone.
- Give comics that 'Pulp
Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then
reading the rest in a random order.
- High blood pressure
sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins.
- Heavy smokers. Don't
throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up
and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
- Motorists. Enjoy the
freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon
skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up
one way streets.
- Create instant designer
stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron
fillings.
- A sheet of sandpaper
makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting
the Sahara desert.
- Convince neighbours
that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair,
wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your
house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house
during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the
same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
- Have all your shits at
work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be
getting paid for it.
- Nissan Micra drivers.
Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a
long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may
as well look like one.
- A mouse trap, placed on
top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going
back to sleep.
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