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- If a small
child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water
down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Arsenal
fans. Save money on expensive new kits by
simply strapping a large fake penis to
your forehead. It is now clear to all, as
to your allegiance.
- Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to
hold them while you chop away.
- Keep the
seat next to you on the train vacant by
smiling and nodding at people as they
walk up the aisle.
- Weight
watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation
to nibble at the chocolate bar in the
cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat
bastards.
- Save on
booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The following morning you can
create the effects of a hangover by
drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.
- Make bath
times as much fun for kiddies as a visit
to the seaside by pouring a bucket of
sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the bath.
- Recreate
the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your own home by filling the bath
with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before
jumping in.
- Girls. Too
old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply
get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your
garden and shag every bloke who looks at
you over the fence.
- Don't buy
expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen
peas inside it before you put it on.
- X-Files
fans. Create the effect of being abducted
by aliens by drinking two bottles of
vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning,
having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
- Don't waste
money buying expensive binoculars. Simply
stand closer to the object you wish to
view.
- Save time
when crossing a one-way street by only
looking in the direction of oncoming
traffic.
- Thicken up
runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.
- Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your
legs, start eating cakes again.
- A next door
neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,
makes an ideal coat hanger in an
emergency.
- Hijackers.
Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk
of arrest, imprisonment or death by
simply making sure you book a flight to
your intended destination in the first
place.
- An empty
aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
- Olympic
athletes. Disguise the fact that you've
taken anabolic steroids by running a bit
slower.
- Chelsea
football club fans. Avoid an asymmetrical
bulge in your right arm by masturbating
furiously with your left arm too.
- Avoid
arguments with the missus about lifting
the loo seat by simply pissing in the
sink.
- Weedy
fellas. Develop a right forearm like
Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of
those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
- Smokers.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next fag from the butt of
your last one.
- Vegetarians
coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're
always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like
the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
- Invited by
vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be made aware of
their special dietary requirements, tell
them about yours, and ask for a nice
steak.
- Spice up
your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo
sex'. Take your missus from behind and,
holding on tightly to her jugs, call her
by the wrong name. See how long you can
'stay mounted' for.
- Before
attempting to remove stubborn stains from
a garment always circle the stain in
permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can
easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
- Give comics
that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the
last frames of cartoons first, then
reading the rest in a random order.
- High blood
pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins.
- Heavy
smokers. Don't throw away those filters
from the end of your cigarettes. Save
them up and within a few years you'll
have enough to insulate your loft.
- Motorists.
Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing
your windscreen, sticking half a melon
skin on you head, then jumping red lights
and driving the wrong way up one way
streets.
- Create
instant designer stubble by sucking a
magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of
iron fillings.
- A sheet of
sandpaper makes a cheap and effective
substitute for costly maps when visiting
the Sahara desert.
- Convince
neighbours that you have invented a
'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair,
wearing a white laboratory coats and
parking a JCB digger outside your house
for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and
replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy
of the same description. Watch their
faces in the morning!
- Have all
your shits at work. Not only will you
save money on toilet paper, but you'll
also be getting paid for it.
- Nissan
Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler
to the roof of your car before starting a
long journey. You drive the things like
dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well
look like one.
- A mouse
trap, placed on top on of your alarm
clock will prevent you from rolling over
and going back to sleep.
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